"Who am I?"

"Who am I?" It is a question we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives. It is a smart question to ask ones's self. Chances are this question will be asked many times in one's life. It is absolutely the question asked when a spouse dies. Who you have become with your spouse is suddenly a stranger to you. For me, it is a difficult self examination. I have been a mother, wife, stay at home mother, part time worker, full time worker, independent and dependent. I became comfortable with the role of stay at home mom and wife, dependent on Dave for direction and stability. Was I passive? Never. But trusting and comfortable to follow for the most part. That is gone. It has take time for me to want to come into my own. I have been resistent to it.
I had become a very strong and confident individual a couple of years back. Enough so to shake David's confidence. He was taken back and needed time to adjust to the new me. He did and I did. Hell, I played roller derby! Only a strong individual attempts that! However, him dying shattered that confident person I had become, which pisses me off! So now it is time to rebuild! So here I am again, "Who am I?" Well, I am a mother, survivor, student, writer, role model...the list will continue build.
I recently heard a song by Jewel that has kept me moving in the direction of self improvement and self examination. It has also caused me to think of so many others who struggle and can't bring themselves out of their despair. The song is as follows,

"Hands"

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands


I have used the word 'broken' to describe myself since Dave died. Now it is time to put the shattered pieces together. I like to say "It is time to put my big girl panties on and get on with it"! I don't want to be broken! It is a horrible description! It puts an image in my head of something that is unrepairable, so I must change the image to.. damaged, but in repair, perhaps a puzzle.It is sometimes difficult to find the missing pieces, but they are there in front of you, you just have to find where each piece goes. "My hands are small I know, but they'r not yours, they are my own" This says to me that I can do whatever I want with me and I can make change no matter how damaged I am. It is up to me. I may be a small individual and I may have been shattered, but damn, if I let myself continue to break anymore! I will not be broken! God has given me tremendous strength over the years to deal with, and learn from circumstance and hurt that has prepared me for this time. I will gather my faith around me and with the help of God again I will learn.