Taking my ring off for the first time.

I didn't put my ring on this morning. I wanted to know what it felt like to be without it. So far it hasn't been horrible. I can relate to comments from other widows/ers that it feels like a lie to wear their wedding band. I can also relate to feeling disloyal without it. Today, so far, I have felt like I am taking a step towards moving forward in a direction of adventure and discovery for me. I don't miss David any less. I just don't want to look married when I am not. On the flip side I won't like people assuming I am divorced with two children but I can't control what people will think. I miss my 'bling'! It sounds silly, but I have only owned that ring for 10months! David was so excited to give it to me. He was incredibly proud to put it on my hand. I get remarks about it just about everywhere I go which can make it hard to wear now. It's beautiful! I would like to have it made into something I can where on my right hand.

I found a quote I wrote down a couple of months ago. At the time it was just a note worthy quote for me, but it is profound at this time in my life. "She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, and surely it has not, she adjusted her sails."- Elizabeth Edwards
I like that metaphor. I am standing in a storm. A storm doesn't last forever, but I need to work around it while I'm in it. I will adjust my sails to suit my life's need.

I was listening to the song "Landslide". A line in this song says, "Well, I've been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder....." I built my life around David since I was 14. We grew into each other, so much that we could finish each others thoughts. He helped make me the person I am today. I have been afraid of change. Time has and will continue to make me bolder. I want to embrace the boldness!

My kids deserve their dad

I'm beginning to think Rowan needs play therapy or something. She won't go to sleep well anymore unless she is completely exhausted. I put her to bed and she climbs out of the crib. I hate hearing her cry but I can't keep going into her room. I try to go into a room where I can't hear her, but Rowan isn't a very quiet child. I can't stand to hear her cry for Daddy! She does this every night before she falls asleep. The second week after Dave died I heard her talking in her room. It was so sad. She was saying, "Mommy sad, Shelby sad, Rowan sad, Mommy miss Daddy, maybe Daddy come back next week". I stood at her door and cried! She shouldn't have to be without her Daddy! He was a great daddy! Some kids have horrible dads and should never have to be around them. My kids had a great dad! Why must they have to be without him! Damn it! David lived to make us all happy! He loved to spend time with his girls. Shelby adored her daddy. She was very close to him, could tell him anything. I can't help but worry if she will feel like she got the raw end of the deal with having to be with just me. Then Rowan won't even get a chance to have that relationship. She won't even remember him!!!! It's not fair that she won't remember how he loved her! My kids deserve to have a dad who loves them and can be there for them. Why not?

My Last Day with David

I am thankful for my last day with David. It was a pleasant one. It was a Sunday so we had slept in and laid around. We had lunch at one of David's favorite places, Five Guys Burgers and Fries! Rowan was especially snugly to him at lunch time. We laughed and argued on the way home because Shelby had thrown up in the car right after lunch. Once home Rowan and I took a nap and David and Shelby headed outside for some paintball fun. David had been wanting to show Shelby how to shoot a paintball gun for I don't know how long. Birth? They came in a short while later as I was waking from my nap. We sat down to watch TV together. Rowan woke up from nap and I went to get her out of bed. David smiled at us as we came into the living room and I sat down with Rowan. I had just sat down when I heard one of David's gasp of air. He always had this quick gasp of air that he took when he said his heart skipped. He had always recovered, but after his surgery two years ago I had become very aware and cautious of it since. When I heard him gasp I remember waiting to hear the recover and when I didn't I heard Shelby giggle. I immediately looked over and David's head had fallen towards Shelby and his eyes and mouth were open. At first glance it looked like he was being silly. He did silly faces and such often. I realized a problem and jumped up, throwing Rowan on the floor. I sort of pushed on him and everything became confusing. David was making this awful irregular snoring sound and his body was twitching. I thought he was having a seizure, but then I thought maybe he was having a heart attack. I know now all of these things were the body shutting down. I called 911 and listened to instructions. The operator told me to move him into a lying position. I inappropriately laughed at this and said "I'll try, he's a big man." When I moved him I saw he had peed himself. I knew at this point he had died or was never going to be the same. I gave him CPR for what seemed like forever. It was probably 5-7minutes until the EMT's came. I thought how pointless it was to do CPR. He was obviously not responding to anything. When EMT's arrived that truly signaled to me that I was losing David. There was one lady who was frantically working and yelled for me to take the girls out of the room. So I sent them to the neighbors house. From this point on it was like an out of body experience. I stood in the room thinking if he isn't already dead I don't want him to live because I knew that the chances of him being brain dead were significant. David would not want to live if he had any severe handicap. I loved him, but didn't want him to live any way he wouldn't want to. They must have worked on him 10minutes before taking him to the ER. They pronounced him shortly after working on him for a short time. I chose to come in the room while they tried to revive him. It was terrible to see him so helpless and lifeless. There were so many doctors and nurses. My strong, intelligent, handsome man was no more. I stared at his beautiful leg tattoo. It was weird. I wanted to take the tattoo with me. Not his leg, but the tattoo. I guess it was because the tattoo meant so much to David and he had put so much thought and time into it. I wasn't going to see it or him again.
I will look for pictures of his tattoo. I'm considering getting it duplicated on the side of my body. I am happy I have no regrets with David. Our last day together was perfect. David finally showed Shelby how to shoot a paintball gun, he had special hugs and kisses from Rowan, and we had our special time together. I just wish I could have kissed him and told him how much I loved him one last time. I did yell at him one last time! I told him not to leave me. It didn't work.

It's always so quiet in the house now. My days are so long and don't have an ending. Being a stay at home mom now doesn't have the same feeling. When David was living my day was spent cleaning, playing with Rowan, talking with Dave numerous times on the phone, and then David came home from work. His coming home signaled the end of my day. It become our time. Time for dinner, family time, TV time, and couple time. Now it seems endless. Some days I think I might go crazy if it weren't for the internet and the 'mom' things I have to do. At times I want to put Rowan in daycare and leap into school so I don't have to be in this house. I hate it here and want to pack up and leave and other times I can't stand the thought of not being in our home. Everyone says not to make any decision about moving for at least a year. I guess I'll wait and see.