One Regret

I feel very happy lately due largely to the help of someone very important to me. This person has listened, understood and cared. They have heard me cry, laugh and be angry. So today I found myself feeling guilty for being happy. I guess it's not really feeling happy that is the key guilt. It is more that I wish I could have shown more happiness to Dave. I know I made him happy, but God, I was a bitch so much of the time to him! I felt like I constantly battled a bad mood! Why is it that the way I feel right now couldn't have been shared more often with David? I think I did maybe take for granted how good we were together. Why didn't I share my happiness with him more? I mentioned this to my best friend. Her response was that life makes us who we are. We change when huge events happen like a death or accident. Our view of life changes. I guess she's right. I certainly don't want to waste my time and life being in a bad mood. I try to laugh more now. I look for reasons to laugh. I laugh at stupid stuff. It's great! I am trying not to regret not having laughed more or been more happy around David. I suppose that will have to be a regret of mine. I am allowed to have those, after all, I'm human.
David, I'm sorry I didn't laugh more with you. Thanks for telling me that I should not take things so seriously.
Friend, you know who you are, thanks for listening, loving and helping me to feel happy again.

Changes

All the new sitcoms have started. David and I had always waited with anticipation for the start of the new TV seasons. It is definitely not the same now. I am enjoying them but not nearly as much. I never realized how much fun it really is to have someone to share it with. It seems like such a silly thing, but I miss it. When 'Friends' was still on if one of us couldn't be home to watch we would DVR or back in the day VCR the show and wait until we could watch it together. When the song for the introduction came on we always clapped when they clapped in the song! We had this little competition between us of who would remember to clap first. We always laughed at that!

Another thing I find to be more difficult to enjoy on my own is taking the girls to the pool. First off we lost our privileges at Dave's company pool so I have a gym membership now and we go to that pool. However, the girls and I went one last time to the company pool before our time was up and man, I couldn't believe how weird it was for me or how sad! I have pondered, why is it that it would matter Dave not being here at all with us? It is not as if he came every time to the pool with us because he certainly did not. I have come to the conclusion that it is like everything thing else. There is finality. There will no longer be times of waiting for him to meet us at the pool after he gets off from work, no sharing the funny stunts the girls do at the pool, or our long hugs and holding each other in the pool while the girls played. I find myself sitting and observing. I haven't been able to bring myself to play and let loose with them. I think right now the pool time has become a babysitter so to speak. I can sit without entertaining the girls. I don't know. Life has changed and this is one of the changes.

Trapped

I'm spoiled. I have always had David to take care of me...emotionally, physically, and financially. He was always willing to do almost anything for me. I find myself with the most trapped feeling. Is this my life? I suppose that maybe I took for granted the freedom I had to go out and be me for a while. David was willing to spend 2-3 times a week alone for me to play roller derby, of all things. Why? Because he knew it made me happy and gave me something that was my own. It freaking sucks to be 'stuck'! I am no longer free to come and go as I please. Apparently I really took this for granted! I used to think what slackers my friend's husbands were that couldn't watch there own kids for their wife to go out for a few minutes. I used to think, maybe a little too smugly, how I had it so good that my husband could handle it. How I didn't ever consider enough of how overwhelmed these friends of mine must have felt. Now these friends are divorced and get their every other weekend of solitude. While I wouldn't have wanted to be divorced I envy that they still have their other half to help them, however little that may be at times. This blog probably makes little sense right now because, well, I'm not thinking straight right now... oh well.

God and Humans

I have been rubbed wrong lately by some comments made to me about Jesus, God, Christ being my reason for living. I know these people mean this in the best possible way, but that is not how it is coming across to me. Quite frankly, I feel like saying, if that were the case than why the hell do we need each other? I have great reverence for God, but I am not going to pretend He is all I need on this earth. I know all you fellow Christians go ahead and have your freak out! Don't call me thinking I'm going to hell and I need you to bring me back to my faith! You need to understand for me, I look to God for guidance, I use the gifts He has given me and I live my life to the best of my human ability. But, God doesn't audibly talk to me, doesn't answer when I have an immediate question and doesn't give me a hug when I need one. You see, it sometimes makes a person seem self righteous when they say Jesus is all they need in response to some one's desire for deep relationship with another. We all need God and He is just as important to me as He is to you, maybe on different levels, but I intend on embracing the desire for human contact and relationships.