There are simple things I miss about what I now refer to as my 'old life'.
*A hug in the afternoon when Dave would come home from work.
*A person to bug with my stupid complaints in the middle of the day when motherhood isn't going so well.
*Someone to comment to about a TV show I'm watching.
*The shared joy of our child's accomplishment, or when they've done something so incredibly cute or silly that it's only cute to the two if you.
*The warmth and comfort of him lying in bed beside me.
*The security he brought in more ways than one.
*I even miss an occasional argument.
There is so much more, but that will have to come later.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Sentinel Online : News : Religion : Thinking Christian: Observing Lent
The Sentinel Online : News : Religion : Thinking Christian: Observing Lent
Last year while having lunch with David I noticed for the first time the mark of the cross on people's heads as they returned from lunch. It made me very curious. You see, I came from a Baptist upbringing so the season of Lent was not observed. After learning what the ashes and cross was for I thought no more about it. This past Wednesday I noticed it again on the forehead of a pastor who had gone to a lunch service at a Methodist church. Later that evening I was talking with a friend who is Catholic and the subject came up. I mentioned how, to my knowledge, the Baptists do not observe Lent. After Wednesday I kept thinking about it and searched the web and came across this article that I thought I would share. While I attend a Baptist church I love the traditions of the liturgical churches and choose to observe some of those traditions on my own to give special time and recognition to God.
Last year while having lunch with David I noticed for the first time the mark of the cross on people's heads as they returned from lunch. It made me very curious. You see, I came from a Baptist upbringing so the season of Lent was not observed. After learning what the ashes and cross was for I thought no more about it. This past Wednesday I noticed it again on the forehead of a pastor who had gone to a lunch service at a Methodist church. Later that evening I was talking with a friend who is Catholic and the subject came up. I mentioned how, to my knowledge, the Baptists do not observe Lent. After Wednesday I kept thinking about it and searched the web and came across this article that I thought I would share. While I attend a Baptist church I love the traditions of the liturgical churches and choose to observe some of those traditions on my own to give special time and recognition to God.
Psalm 51:10-17
Psalm 51
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I have been asked many times, "how are you able to keep moving and progressing with all that has happened to you?" I've always answered, "I don't know, maybe my personality." It has clicked for me. I've tried to credit myself, while giving some credit to God or wording it like "God has given me strength." I believe the truth is Christ sustains me! As much as the human in me likes to say I worked on my strength, blah, blah, blah, and I have; I think it is only because of my faith in Jesus Christ. Now I'm not onen to sound like a Jesus freak, but the truth is God has been available, present, working and preparing me. If I didn't have the faith and the acceptance of Christ, God and all that he is, I would be...stuck. While I don't know a lot of scriptures or don't do all those things that are supposed to be done in Christians life my faith is the same. God has never left me without his help. When I've felt lost and alone sooner or later a person, a scripture, book, something is placed in my path to confirm God's hand inmy life. Like Sunday I picked up a magazine in the church hallway. An article title flew out at me; "I'm waging war on my insecurities". What have I been dealing with this past week? Insecurity. I've been dealing with insecurity for a lot longer, but this past week I decided to war with it. I will win. This example with the article is just one of many times I see God's grace and help.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
With Hurt Comes Growth
Another great song..... Carrie Underwood- Lessons Learned
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.
"Who am I?"
"Who am I?" It is a question we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives. It is a smart question to ask ones's self. Chances are this question will be asked many times in one's life. It is absolutely the question asked when a spouse dies. Who you have become with your spouse is suddenly a stranger to you. For me, it is a difficult self examination. I have been a mother, wife, stay at home mother, part time worker, full time worker, independent and dependent. I became comfortable with the role of stay at home mom and wife, dependent on Dave for direction and stability. Was I passive? Never. But trusting and comfortable to follow for the most part. That is gone. It has take time for me to want to come into my own. I have been resistent to it.
I had become a very strong and confident individual a couple of years back. Enough so to shake David's confidence. He was taken back and needed time to adjust to the new me. He did and I did. Hell, I played roller derby! Only a strong individual attempts that! However, him dying shattered that confident person I had become, which pisses me off! So now it is time to rebuild! So here I am again, "Who am I?" Well, I am a mother, survivor, student, writer, role model...the list will continue build.
I recently heard a song by Jewel that has kept me moving in the direction of self improvement and self examination. It has also caused me to think of so many others who struggle and can't bring themselves out of their despair. The song is as follows,
"Hands"
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands
I have used the word 'broken' to describe myself since Dave died. Now it is time to put the shattered pieces together. I like to say "It is time to put my big girl panties on and get on with it"! I don't want to be broken! It is a horrible description! It puts an image in my head of something that is unrepairable, so I must change the image to.. damaged, but in repair, perhaps a puzzle.It is sometimes difficult to find the missing pieces, but they are there in front of you, you just have to find where each piece goes. "My hands are small I know, but they'r not yours, they are my own" This says to me that I can do whatever I want with me and I can make change no matter how damaged I am. It is up to me. I may be a small individual and I may have been shattered, but damn, if I let myself continue to break anymore! I will not be broken! God has given me tremendous strength over the years to deal with, and learn from circumstance and hurt that has prepared me for this time. I will gather my faith around me and with the help of God again I will learn.
I had become a very strong and confident individual a couple of years back. Enough so to shake David's confidence. He was taken back and needed time to adjust to the new me. He did and I did. Hell, I played roller derby! Only a strong individual attempts that! However, him dying shattered that confident person I had become, which pisses me off! So now it is time to rebuild! So here I am again, "Who am I?" Well, I am a mother, survivor, student, writer, role model...the list will continue build.
I recently heard a song by Jewel that has kept me moving in the direction of self improvement and self examination. It has also caused me to think of so many others who struggle and can't bring themselves out of their despair. The song is as follows,
"Hands"
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands
I have used the word 'broken' to describe myself since Dave died. Now it is time to put the shattered pieces together. I like to say "It is time to put my big girl panties on and get on with it"! I don't want to be broken! It is a horrible description! It puts an image in my head of something that is unrepairable, so I must change the image to.. damaged, but in repair, perhaps a puzzle.It is sometimes difficult to find the missing pieces, but they are there in front of you, you just have to find where each piece goes. "My hands are small I know, but they'r not yours, they are my own" This says to me that I can do whatever I want with me and I can make change no matter how damaged I am. It is up to me. I may be a small individual and I may have been shattered, but damn, if I let myself continue to break anymore! I will not be broken! God has given me tremendous strength over the years to deal with, and learn from circumstance and hurt that has prepared me for this time. I will gather my faith around me and with the help of God again I will learn.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
